i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
