oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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