my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
