I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
