A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
