I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.