I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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