My nipple is on Facebook.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
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She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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