I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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