When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
