Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
