I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
