There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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