that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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