I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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