Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
