i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
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He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
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Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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