i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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