sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
