Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
