is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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