i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
