I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
