I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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