Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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