Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
