matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
