I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
