I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
