Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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