It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
