I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
