I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
