hell yes lets make some ravioli
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
