If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
