In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My vagina just clenched in fear
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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