Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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