how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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