I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
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