At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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