I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
even my farts smell like vagina
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
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i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
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Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed