then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.