I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
