the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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