3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
