I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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