I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
