why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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