I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
