stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Congratulations! We have a period
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