I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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