I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
