I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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