Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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