Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
