I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
