Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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