one might say we're banned from that church
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
