sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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