Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
