Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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