Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Ketchup is God's man juice
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
