You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
